Here I am still thinking that there is still a glimmer of hope.

A chance, that perhaps I could play Kim.

No email has been sent to my inbox despite the promise of the announcement of the cast by the 19th. So I’m thinking perhaps they may still be deliberating over the choices and they will call tommorrow, during business hours. I can’t let it go. Why is it that I cannot stop myself from drawing meaning from every single second that passes me.

I don’t know why this means so much to me. Why each and every moment of not knowing is twisting my insides making me feel more wretched and pathetic. Another chance missed…

am i being overly dramatic?

perhaps…

Gods… wouldn’t it be so funny if tommorrow I was here and said ‘yay! i got a call back’

I still want it universe. I still wish for it, more than anything.

I’m going to sleep I’m bloody too exhausted to feel like crap…

I have this and nothing more

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I’m going freaking CRAZY!

I wanna know! I wanna know!

Dear GOD have mercy on me….

I feel so broken

I feel so pathetic

WHY haven’t I been asked for a callback?

WHY???

i just listened to myself when i video recorded me…

I suck I suck I suck!

My GOD I hope i sounded better than that in the auditorium.

I give up! I give up!

NoWAY someone like me can get this part. Thought i could have my cake and eat it too this year. I’m freaking delusional. Looks like bittersweet memories and dreams again. Sigh… well perhaps I can talk them into giving me the soldier part.

Some part of me always knew that I wasn’t good enough…

No matter what i think…

No way they do this play without having callbacks.

Not unless they were REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sure.

And there are alot of talented asian women out there.

am I crazy?

Yes I am. If I got a callback I’d've been contacted today I think.

Sigh… I could be contacted tommz for a callback on tuesday… I doubt it.

Still, hope springs eternal…

Maybe a million times?

I fear.

It’s saturday and still no callback.

If I don’t get it… will i be crushed? I think I may just be!

Or not.

You know what… I think I know what crushed me before in my other audition. It was the knowledge that I had… not done well. Knowledge that I wasn’t even on the radar for those panelists from the moment I walked into the room.

This time. I know I did well. I know I did my best. That I sang my audition piece with emotion and clarity, it’s story was well thought out and my voice was in the right place as I sang. I know that I gave it my everything, that the audition went incredibly. I know that if they go the other way its not because I didn’t show them my best, because dammit it was my best and I can get better! The audition was bloody amazing and the outcome will not change my perception of it.

Only… I will be unhappy being denied the opportunity to play my most coveted role.

I imagine myself in that role so often… it is the never-ending movie in my mind… I think even if i don’t get this I will always play that dream in my head. Its been a bittersweet movie since my last audition, I imagine people being proud of me just like they were proud of me after the King and I. I imagine how amazed they are at my portrayal of an angry young mother, I also imagine that I can cry on cue… which at the moment I can’t but hey… it’s my freaking movie ok?

Perhaps I shall look into setting my sights and investing my feelings in some other project in the near future, something that will give me a sense of achievement, that will, depending on the outcome; alleviate the feeling of crushing defeat or temper growing elation.

Mother is looking to do a fundraising concert. That would be an interesting project for the holidays, alongside redecorating both my rooms and getting my hair dyed and losing at least 10kgs. Ahhh…. so many projects for the the summer… I am very excited to get uni over and done with.

Speaking of uni. My coping strategies for uni have gotten quite pathetic. I think I need to learn more about how I learn and figure out a system in which I can learn a little bit better. These last few years I have felt like I have just been scraping through this course. It’s not a very happy feeling, especially when I believe myself to be one whose performance quality matters.

EXELLENCE…

I think about that medal given to me at the end of the HSC.

I feel pathetic at the moment. I feel like I’m just scraping through my life and it feels disgusting. I feel low.

Now that that’s out To the general public of nobody I need to get up.

I may be scraping through, but scraping through is better than admiting absolute defeat, although it is getting increasingly more tempting to do just that! I need therapy.

How incredibly depressing that THIS is all I can think of. And then if I find it wasn’t me I think I’ll end up actually going to get professional help.

You know, it was so painful the first time I went to audition for the role of Kim. I had gotten my hopes up you know really banked on the fact that I REALLY wanted the part more than anything in the world to get it for me. At that time I was 68kg… and for a girl about 152cms that ain’t pretty, my hair was all scruffed and short and just…. wrong… and I still to this day think “What the hell was I thinking wearing those clothes?”

The audition piece was over-acted. I know that now having thought about it a while and gaining new experience. My voice was powerful, yet still inefficient, not the best it could have been.

I remember I lost myself there. Hanging around the front door of the Urban Dance Center that they may see me and perhaps realize their mistake and call me back. Pathetic isn’t it? I managed to get lost on the way to central station… from UDC!!!

And then I got over it. 

But then it was easier then. Nobody expected me to get the part anyway. That was a mere two-years ago.

Now…

Perhaps it’s because the stakes are lower, or because they’ve seen me sing. Maybe it’s because I’m no longer a horrible 68kgs. Maybe it’s all of them. But this time it feels more desperate.

Damn this stupid internet and it’s not saving everything…. I opened up so much and now NOTHING… is left I can’t do this again… screw this!

I swore I wouldn’t do this! But noooooo… nooo…. I have to just freaking OBSSESS about it… i can’t stop thinking;

will they pick me?

will they not pick me?

Then i think JESUS I want this so badly! So here I am blogging out all of my insecurities and perhaps all of my securities, so that I’m not obsessing over it over the next few days while I’m taking my EXAMS!

geez I am pathetic.

I wonder if they’ll choose that Katherine chick I saw on the net.

She’s pretty, but I have wanted this role since… since… since I dared to dream that me getting this role would be possible!

Sigh… I have to let go of this! i promised myself that I wouldn’t do this anymore! Ok celine you need to just calm down. The thing is I’ve told so many people about it. They all want me to get this and I don’t want to disappoint them if I don’t. Sigh… You know It’s not a question of wether or not i’ll do it. I think I’ll do it regardless of me getting the lead or not…

That way you don’t disappoint anyone. You are still in it right?

Also; remember. This one is but a student by weekday and shop assistant by weekend. Nothing special, just a girl who wanted a real shot at playing the role of Kim.

A real  shot at the role, where they considered me and took me seriously and i think they did  take me seriously, and that I did  get a real  shot. Not like last time, when I wasn’t ready for it. I am ready for this opportunity now. I know I am, and I will  let it go and let time pass as they deliberate on their cast.

Because remember, there are others who will always be better than you. There are decisions that are not in their hands. You went and did your best. You conducted yourself in a professional manner and you sang as well as you could’ve given the circumstances. You did well.

NOW

Cogneuro exam is on TOMMZ at 12.30pm

And you still haven’t covered all of the aphasias!

You need to get a grip ok… and you need to remember, WHY you are learning all the things you are learning now at Uni. It’s because wether or not you get this role in a musical, there is another more important role in your life that you have to take more seriously; and that role is to ensure that you contribute to society, to be a servant to your fellow man.

Don’t forget the prestigious honor of being blessed with a clever inquiring mind and please do not squander it.

While I believe that no one in this world could want the role of Kim more DESPERATELY than I do; I cannot deny that Speech Pathology is my calling. I have known it since the first time I helped a young boy in clinic string a sentence together on his own. I feel in my heart that this is what I was meant to do with my life, and I want to do it well.

I want to do it well.

So I’m going to go now and learn about aphasia, voice and audiology.

because in the end it is what I need to accomplish in the long term that matters most.

Good Luck BTS in choosing your cast.

I am sure that the show will be spectacular.

22 things I’d like to achieve before I turn 22…

• Get my P’s …. and for the sake of the driving population do the 120 hours in a short time

l am actually further away from this goal than I was when l wrote it. (Note to self: Book Driving test before Semester 2 starts.)

• Get a credit average with my subjects at university… honestly I don’t think that this is totally over reaching.

I think I may have done this… I think!

• Tone and flatten my stomach so that I can bring sexy back

urgh! I don’t want to talk about this one…

• Do 10 weeks of consecutive dance classes

I’m planning to do this after Terminus!

• Finish my Pilates classes with Sarah Ives

God willing!

• Finish learning to play the Chopin piece

Well l haven’t unlearned anything so I guess that’s still good right?

• Go iceskating more

Not sure if this ones going to happen.

• Start tutoring

or this one either…

• Finish my “Bringing him back” fanfic

or this one… though I did start a New other fic that I’d like to finish… BHB can wait

• Learn at least 2 new difficult arias

Does ‘The Prayer’ count as an aria? Sigh…. this one may not happen either

• Compete in at least THREE singing competitions as in events….

l did that thing for Tito Nomer! It took effort to sing the prayer that so counts as an event 1 down 2 to go!

• Have $5000 in savings by 22…. see i said 22 not by the end of the year…. so i don’t care that you’re going to America … have 5000 by the time you’re 22 OK????

I think I can do this!

• Buy a nano… the shuffle is driving me crazy…

It’s going to happen… I’ll also get a docking station

OK…. this is getting difficult

• Finish the last six weeks of the Artists Way…. I don’t care when…. just DO IT !

Perhaps I’ll get to this on the break after Semester 2.

• Make new friends and never turn down that opportunity…. unless they are boring or they suck…. you know there are some people that do suck.

sigh! what kind of stupid ass goal is this?

• Oh yeah… try to keep the bathroom clean…. for yourself and not for Jess.

lt’s clean enough…. (have to clean it again next week…. there’s never enough time for anything!

• Pull off the murder mystery

Twas a rousing success… I even have video!

• Do at least 5 singing audititions for paying jobs

Not this year you won’t!

• Buy souvies for the people who have shown you wonderfulness this year when you get to the Americas

what a crap goal! It’ll happen…

• Get a terminus pen pal

Not gonna happen….

• Be more adventurous… with things… i dunno…

l bought a tablet laptop and did not buy the extended Warranty…. how adventurous is that?

• Be less reckless about important decisions

see above….

Almost none of these goals have a YES on them! OMG how depressing! … and If it wasn’t for my sexy laptop i’d have to go and drown myself in a big packet of fried chips and chocolate covered everything…. As it is I’m just barely hanging in there i don’t know what I want anymore and all my goals at the moment seem so materialistic…

Got a month to go until i head for the America’s

I must

• Make a list of all the people i have to catch up with before then
• Make a list of people who I’m getting souvies for
• Get out the big travel bag to shove into
• Make a list of the things I’m going to need overseas
• Organize my uni from last semester
• Clean both my rooms
• Update my song lists

Things that I have to pay for after returning from the America’s

• Buy new ipod and a docking station
• Glasses, need a new set for my beady eyes!
• That’s all I can think of at the moment…

I’m getting the feeling that this would probably be more useful if I wrote it on one note

Thank God for ‘Ctrl-A’

I like writing on it. It makes me feel incredibly happy. I also paid for it all by myself

I also bought my dad a new DVD player.

My dad is the coolest. I sound like a seven year old.

OK I’m done now!

breathe!