How many times have I listened to the Miss Saigon Soundtrack since I heard of the auditions?

Maybe a million times?

I fear.

It’s saturday and still no callback.

If I don’t get it… will i be crushed? I think I may just be!

Or not.

You know what… I think I know what crushed me before in my other audition. It was the knowledge that I had… not done well. Knowledge that I wasn’t even on the radar for those panelists from the moment I walked into the room.

This time. I know I did well. I know I did my best. That I sang my audition piece with emotion and clarity, it’s story was well thought out and my voice was in the right place as I sang. I know that I gave it my everything, that the audition went incredibly. I know that if they go the other way its not because I didn’t show them my best, because dammit it was my best and I can get better! The audition was bloody amazing and the outcome will not change my perception of it.

Only… I will be unhappy being denied the opportunity to play my most coveted role.

I imagine myself in that role so often… it is the never-ending movie in my mind… I think even if i don’t get this I will always play that dream in my head. Its been a bittersweet movie since my last audition, I imagine people being proud of me just like they were proud of me after the King and I. I imagine how amazed they are at my portrayal of an angry young mother, I also imagine that I can cry on cue… which at the moment I can’t but hey… it’s my freaking movie ok?

Perhaps I shall look into setting my sights and investing my feelings in some other project in the near future, something that will give me a sense of achievement, that will, depending on the outcome; alleviate the feeling of crushing defeat or temper growing elation.

Mother is looking to do a fundraising concert. That would be an interesting project for the holidays, alongside redecorating both my rooms and getting my hair dyed and losing at least 10kgs. Ahhh…. so many projects for the the summer… I am very excited to get uni over and done with.

Speaking of uni. My coping strategies for uni have gotten quite pathetic. I think I need to learn more about how I learn and figure out a system in which I can learn a little bit better. These last few years I have felt like I have just been scraping through this course. It’s not a very happy feeling, especially when I believe myself to be one whose performance quality matters.

EXELLENCE…

I think about that medal given to me at the end of the HSC.

I feel pathetic at the moment. I feel like I’m just scraping through my life and it feels disgusting. I feel low.

Now that that’s out To the general public of nobody I need to get up.

I may be scraping through, but scraping through is better than admiting absolute defeat, although it is getting increasingly more tempting to do just that! I need therapy.

Tags: miss saigon,uni
Categories: Uncategorized
No Comments »